How to get JACKED!

Chiseled six pack abs? Sure!

Ripped triceps? Don’t mind if I do!

Huge chest? Why the fuck not?

Tired of being the smallest guy at the gym? Want to look like the next Marky Mark? Or just want to successfully eye fuck the girl on the treadmill next to you? Follow these five steps. Results guaranteed.

1. Stare at yourself in mirror: Science has proven that the longer you look at yourself, the bigger you get. Why else would there be so many mirrors in the gym? Every baseball insider knows Barry Bonds isn’t guilty of steroids; he’s guilty of having a mirror in his locker.

2. Grunt while lifting: Anybody can lift weights, but it takes a real man to grunt. The louder you grunt, the more weight you add to your max. Ever watch a Bodybuilding contest on ESPN 2? It sounds like a Paris Hilton sex tape without the Rick Saloman distractions.

3. iPod song selection: Take your time. Don’t rush. Finding the perfect song is essential for any lift. The more songs you shuffle through, the more serious you are about your body. Guns N’ Roses “Paradise City?” It’s go time baby!

4. Frequent water breaks: You need to let the entire gym know how hard you’re working. The more time you spend drinking water, the harder you are working. Some of the biggest guys I know spend the entire hour and half in the gym talking Pilates with the 85-year-old women next to the water cooler.

5. Wear an old High School Football T-shirt: Lifting comes natural for you. You’ve been doing it for years. You’re an athlete. You would have played college ball if you didn’t mess up your knee.
Stranger: “Wow, that’s a lot of weight! Do you need a spot?”
You: “No thanks. “Glory Days” is playing on my iPod. I’m good for another 100 pounds.