Saved by the Bell: Where are they Now?

Plot: Character descriptions sound like an audition for an underage snuff film, but really was a revolutionary teen series that followed the High School relationships of a preppy, a jock, a class president, a cheerleader, a nerd, and a fashion diva.

Fact: Contrary to popular belief, the Saved by the Bell "Junior High" and "College" episodes were like Andy Dick's career; there was no reason for them to actually exist.



Zack Morris: Bayside's most popular and notorious "hunk," Zack sacrificed the opportunity to hook up with underage freshmen in order to unsuccessfully continue an on-again, off-again relationship with Kelly Kapowski for four years. Hiding a full size cardboard cutout of Kelly in a volleyball uniform under his bed and with pictures of her spread across his locker, Zack fitted all the the tell tale signs of a stalker. After being cheated on by Kelly with Jeff from the "Max," Zack attended Duke University thanks in part to a mathematically impossible 1502 on his SAT's. With Kelly out of his life for good and four years of sexual frustration built up, Zack joined the Duke Lacrosse team and was later arrested on charges of serial date rape. When given his one free phone call in jail, Zack was quoted by Casey Kasem as screaming, "Where the hell is my nine foot cell phone?" He is currently scheduled to be released in 2015.



A.C. Slater: Notorious for his jheri curl, zebra pants, and muscle tank tops, the entire "Saved by the Bell" series is still under FBI investigation due to eyewitness testimony of steroids being used on set. As Bayside's best athlete, Slater captained the football, basketball, track, and wrestling teams, making him the only four-sport athlete in High School Sports history. Linked with class president Jessie Spano for most of the series, the couple continued their relationship after Jessie attended Harvard and Slater attended the local community college. Due to the long distance and rumors of Slater hooking up with local Bayside girls at the annual "Thanksgiving Day Football game," the two ended their relationship. Slater is now 32 and can currently be seen in his parent's basement hooking up with high school girls, wearing his old letterman jacket, drinking a Keystone Light, and screaming "Beat Valley!" In the words of Jessie Spano, "Oink Oink Baby!"



Jessie Spano: Still remembered by many for her Oscar worthy performance in the "Caffeine Pills" episode ("I'm so scaredddd......"), Jessie was Bayside's class president and outspoken feminist. Playing the love interest of Slater for most of the series, you can only imagine what the unedited version of them after the Bayside prom looks like. After an emotional break-up with high school sweetheart Slater, Jessie was forced to take a semester off from Harvard to be with family and friends during her time of need. Jessie returned to Harvard in the spring of '94 and graduated with honors four years later with a degree in "Literature." Not suprisingly, she was unable to find any jobs looking for skills in "Shakespeare." Jessie spent the majority of her 20's paying her rent with various jobs as a cocktail waitress until she got her big break at "The Foxy Lady" in Brockton, MA as a stripper in very similar fashion to the "straight to spank bank
movie" Striptease. Battling cocaine addiction and supporting two half-Latino boys, Jessie is happy and taking her life "one day at a time."



Kelly Kapowski: Bayside's head cheerleader and hottest girl, many people have still not forgiven her for cheating on Zack with her manager Jeff at the "Max." Always playing the good girl on the show, Kelly abandoned this lollipop image after attending UCLA and sleeping with the starting defense on the football team even before Freshmen Orientation started. Four years later, Kelly was left insecure and a victim on untreatable STD's. Lonely and depressed, she eventually found work as a Secretary for a prominent investment banking firm in New York City. After sleeping with her middle-aged boss for a couple of years, Kelly was later fired after he refused to leave his wife and kids. Due to this unfortunate set of events, Kelly moved back to Bayside to become a substitute teacher and occasionally hook up with Slater in the school parking lot after football games.



Screech: I don't know about you, but the biggest nerd in my high school wasn't seen hanging around with the school jock, the head cheerleader, the class president, and the most popular guy in school. Obsessed with Lisa Turtle, it is rumored by myself that she took his virginity in a deleted scene from the "Graduation" episode. Awkward yet undeniably smart, Screech went on to experience great success in the porn industry as an actor and director thanks to the creativity of his years of unsuccessuflly fantasizing about Lisa Turtle. He is currently CEO of "High School Ho's" and has personally torn apart each of Slater's 17 resume tapes.



Lisa Turtle: Quite possibly the first token black girl in major network history, Lisa proved that Bayside was a diverse, politically correct fictional High School. Of course she was also rich, fashion obsessed, and had her own "Lisa" credit card. To my knowledge, she and I have two frightening similarities: neither one of us had a relationship in High School and we both wish we were black. After the show, Lisa graduated from Fashion School and started her own clothing line, "White Chocolate" and has unsuccessfully tried for the last 10 years to promote her clothing to minorities living in the inner-city. She currently lives in the beautiful, affluent California suburb of "Bel-Air" with husband Wayne Brady and the happy couple is expecting their first set of twins (two beautiful Caucasian boys).