It turns out this DMB quote in the AIM profiles of girls you haven't talked to since high school is true. Co-workers are people you pretend to like in order to get something in return. It's the same relationship you would have with your wife after 20 years of marriage, except you substitute the sex for advice on paper jams. Similar to the porn industry, who you work with is more important than what you do. If you're not careful, even a high paying, glamorous job can turn into the equivalent of a gay porn scene with the wrong mix of co-workers. As you navigate through the mazes of corporate America, here's a list of people to look out for.
Mr. Fraternity: Mistaking his cubicle for a freshmen dorm room, Mr. Fraternity starts every conversation with "went out for a couple drinks" and ends it with a story involving vasoline and a donkey. Most likely a "one-upper," nothing he says can be taken seriously. If you tell him you went out on a date over the weekend, he'll tell you he had a threesome in Vegas. All in all, Mr. Fraternity is harmless with the exception of an occasional sexual harassment allegation. But without sexual harassment or computer solitaire, what else is there to do from 9 to 5?How to spot Mr. Fraternity: Wears shower shoes to the company bathroom.
Happy-Go-Lucky: Even on a cold, January morning, Happy-Go-Lucky acts as if it's the Friday before July Fourth weekend. Secretly depressed and insecure about her weight, Happy-Go-Lucky will unsuccessfully use conversation to fill her loneliness. "How was your weekend?" or "What are you doing for lunch?" are just some of the annoying questions she asks to direct attention away from her size 16 business suit. If you play your cards right, you can turn these insecurities into your own personal assistant. Does she want to make copies for you? Sure beats charging her vibrator when she gets home. How about typing up an excel spreadsheet as a favor? Maybe that's what it feels like to prepare wedding invitations.How to spot Happy-Go-Lucky: Eats a lean cuisine for lunch five days a week.
The Overachiever: The Overachiever is like the kid in middle school who used to ask the teacher if there was any homework as the bell rang. He makes everyone else look bad by taking his entry-level job as seriously as if he was the final contestant on the "Apprentice." With no friends or personal life, the Overachiever desperately craves attention from co-workers, but is never invited to the office happy hour or Friday lunches. Like the annoying sixth grader who asked about homework, the Overachiever may be the hardest worker in the office, but still ends up alone on Saturday nights playing "Gameday 98" in his parent's furnished basement.How to spot the Overachiever: Constantly checks his Blackberry for text messages that never come.
I'm to smart for this job: Anybody who says "I'm to smart for this job" is really saying that they're better than you. Graduating with honors from a Liberal Arts college, this person was misled into believing the statistics of the high employment rates of their school's recent graduates. But if you take out waiters or bartenders from the survey, the school probably boasts a lower employment rate than blacks in the NHL. Maybe it's time for this person to go back to Grad School to earn another useless degree.How to spot "I'm to smart for this job:" Can be seen working from the same cubicle in 20 years.
Office Bitch: Divorced and in her 40's, the office bitch stops making everyone's life a living hell only when taking her hourly cigarette breaks. Having been with the company for over 20 years and with no kids, she has more vacation days to waste than Owen Wilson after his suicide attempt. Besides complaints of printer trouble and celebrity tabloids being blocked on her computer, all you know is that her ex-husband is an asshole, according to the overheard phone conversations with her lesbian roommate. How to spot the Office Bitch: Has a picture of her three cats for her computer background.
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