Office happy hours are like recess for young professionals. The only difference is you weren't threatened to get kicked out of third grade for doing body shots off the girl standing next to you in the square ball line. Unless you're Mel Gibson, alcohol and work don't mix well. But this hasn't stopped thousands of young professionals from jeopardizing their careers for that extra tequila shot or the drunken attempt to sleep with their office crush. Before you plan your next office happy hour, take a look at what your night could look like if "moderation" isn't a topic in your company's HR Handbook.
4 PM: Trembling and shaking like a heroin addict in withdrawal, you can no longer hang onto your excitement for the night ahead. And with only an hour left until happy hour, the only medicine to fight off your ADD is to check Facebook, which has quickly turned into a 21st century prescription for Ritalin. Status Update: Sam is getting wasted....4:03 p.m.
5 PM: The first sip takes you back to a better time in life. To a time when you had no classes on Friday. To a time when public intoxication was an accomplishment, not written evidence on a police report. Sure, your drink of choice has changed (no more Natty Light). And your new corporate wardrobe looks like you just got out of a J.C. Penny Memorial Day Sale. But deep down, you're the same person you've always been, just without the dreams and ambition you once had.
6 PM: Dancing and sex are two things that are too awkward for white people to do sober. After a couple of drinks, your inhibitions, as well as you standards in women rapidly vanish. It's time to humiliate yourself for the first time in front of your co-workers. So request a song that's unexpected. "Baby got back" or any "N Sync" song will do the trick. Warning: Sex with a fat girl may soon follow.
7 PM: Time for SHOTS!!!! Look! No hands! This is the make or break point of the night. By agreeing to take a couple rounds of shots, you have accepted the fact that your night will most likely end with you covered in vomit on your bathroom floor. But this might not be such a bad option compared to the fat girl you were dancing with earlier. So enjoy your shots and be sure to get a girl to take pictures because they will serve as your memory for the rest of the night.
8 PM: An office happy hour hasn't officially started until you've sexually assaulted a female co-worker. HR would call this behavior "terms for expulsion," but you know your behavior is more like a team-building exercise similar to a "YMCA Ropes Course." Office communication is the biggest factor in determining job satisfaction. And without your frat boy antics, there would be nothing for the office to talk about at the water cooler the following day.
9 PM: At your current pace, alcohol poisoning or being kicked out of the bar are the only two things that can stop your drinking. Luckily for you, the bouncer has had his eyes on you since you walked into the bar with that shit-eating grin on your face. And with the constant complaints from female customers combined with your attempt at break dancing, he has no choice but to throw out your free entertainment.
9 AM: You’ve lost your debit card along with your dignity. You call in sick to work only to learn that you've been fired. Was it worth it? Probably not. But would you do it again? I sure hope so. In the meantime, it’s time to go back to bed. Your job search starts when you wake up.
4 PM: Trembling and shaking like a heroin addict in withdrawal, you can no longer hang onto your excitement for the night ahead. And with only an hour left until happy hour, the only medicine to fight off your ADD is to check Facebook, which has quickly turned into a 21st century prescription for Ritalin. Status Update: Sam is getting wasted....4:03 p.m.
5 PM: The first sip takes you back to a better time in life. To a time when you had no classes on Friday. To a time when public intoxication was an accomplishment, not written evidence on a police report. Sure, your drink of choice has changed (no more Natty Light). And your new corporate wardrobe looks like you just got out of a J.C. Penny Memorial Day Sale. But deep down, you're the same person you've always been, just without the dreams and ambition you once had.
6 PM: Dancing and sex are two things that are too awkward for white people to do sober. After a couple of drinks, your inhibitions, as well as you standards in women rapidly vanish. It's time to humiliate yourself for the first time in front of your co-workers. So request a song that's unexpected. "Baby got back" or any "N Sync" song will do the trick. Warning: Sex with a fat girl may soon follow.
7 PM: Time for SHOTS!!!! Look! No hands! This is the make or break point of the night. By agreeing to take a couple rounds of shots, you have accepted the fact that your night will most likely end with you covered in vomit on your bathroom floor. But this might not be such a bad option compared to the fat girl you were dancing with earlier. So enjoy your shots and be sure to get a girl to take pictures because they will serve as your memory for the rest of the night.
8 PM: An office happy hour hasn't officially started until you've sexually assaulted a female co-worker. HR would call this behavior "terms for expulsion," but you know your behavior is more like a team-building exercise similar to a "YMCA Ropes Course." Office communication is the biggest factor in determining job satisfaction. And without your frat boy antics, there would be nothing for the office to talk about at the water cooler the following day.
9 PM: At your current pace, alcohol poisoning or being kicked out of the bar are the only two things that can stop your drinking. Luckily for you, the bouncer has had his eyes on you since you walked into the bar with that shit-eating grin on your face. And with the constant complaints from female customers combined with your attempt at break dancing, he has no choice but to throw out your free entertainment.
9 AM: You’ve lost your debit card along with your dignity. You call in sick to work only to learn that you've been fired. Was it worth it? Probably not. But would you do it again? I sure hope so. In the meantime, it’s time to go back to bed. Your job search starts when you wake up.
3 comments:
Hahaha, this is priceless!! I was going to pick out some of my favorite lines but there are too many... keep up the hilarity Sam! my coworkers are loving it too by the way :)
hey jenny you know what i love...sam ruining my friday night and throwing up all over my apartment...real HILARIOUS...please keep your comments to yourself
keep up the sarcasm Tim and next time I'll make that statement a reality...and you won't have Ryan Zimmerman to back you up when I see you in Georgetown...enjoy the cherry blossoms
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