HARTFORD, CT---Frustrated with loneliness and over two decades of virginity, a Connecticut man took the law into his own hands yesterday and sued his father for pain and suffering due to years of inherited male-pattern baldness.
Steve Nichols, a 28-year-old software consultant, described his decision to file a $1.3 million lawsuit against his father as painstaking and incredibly emotional.
"What was I supposed to do?" asked a visibly shaken up Steve to a throng of reporters at a morning press conference. "My father knew damn well the risks of passing down this genetically handicapped trait to a son. If a man with AIDS isn't allowed to reproduce, why should a man with no hair be?"
The youngest of three children with two older sisters, Steve refers to his condition as a disease and says that he's been ostracized by his peers since his widow's peak began to take shape during the summer going into his senior year of high school. "I'm 28-years-old and still a virgin," whimpered Steve while unsuccessfully holding back his tears of pain. "When I saw the movie 40-year-old Virgin, instead of laughing, I cried. That could be me!"
Richard Nichols, Steve's father, expressed shame and disappointment with his son's decision.
"This has caused great embarrassment in our usually close-knit family," said Richard. "I only wish Steve could be happy and proud of the bald men that we are.”
Karen Nichols, Steve's oldest sister, stands by her father and hopes the case can be settled amongst family behind closed doors instead of an ugly court room battle.
"My father is a good, proud bald man," said Karen. "He's given his children everything we could have ever wanted in life."
But when asked if she would ever date a bald man, Karen held back laughter and proudly said, "Of course not. I'm better than that."
Judge Michael Owens, who will preside over the case, said that this type of lawsuit is surprisingly familiar.
"I've seen all types of family lawsuits where children blame their parents for their unusual physical appearances," said Owens. "But it usually involves teenage girls with mustaches or grown men with man-tits. Male-pattern baldness is relatively new. It should make for a landmark case."
The human interest of the case coupled with the increased media coverage has resulted in a heated debate between supporters of both father and son.
"Steve is giving a voice to every bald man in this world," said David Feller, a 42-year-old substitute teacher and insecure bald man since 1991. "I would have done the same thing, but I live with my parents so a lawsuit against them wouldn't have benefited me."
Donna Lopez, a psychiatrist and wife of a bald man, said that Steve's behavior is childish and he's just unwilling to hold himself accountable for his own unhappiness.
"This isn't his father's fault," said Lopez while her bald and embarrassed husband quietly shook his head in disagreement behind her. "If he's looking for someone to blame, he just needs to look in the mirror."
According to court documents, Richard Nichols wasn't the only one targeted by Steve in the family lawsuit. Steve's grandfather Robert Nichols, a second generation bald man, was initially named as a co-defendant in the case. But charges were dropped when it was revealed he was shot down and killed in his plane over Iwo Jima in World War II.
“Let me make it clear that I understand this isn't just my father's fault," said Steve. "He's just one in many of a long line of ignorant, bald Nichols men. But our embarrassing family tree, along with others around the world, needs to stop and I see it fit that I set an example with my father."
A court date has been scheduled for July 15 in Hartford Family Court.
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