Life After College: Company Golf Outing

Golf is the one situation where it's okay for a man to forget about his family for a weekend and not look back until Monday. Or as Michael Lohan calls it: adolescence. In corporate America, how well you hit a five iron is a major predictor of success to go along with race, sexuality, and hair line. The ability to play golf, or at least pretend to, can be the difference between a promotion and a sexual harassment lawsuit. And as OJ Simpson has demonstrated for over a decade, nothing proves innocence like an 8 AM tee time. When you're asked to attend your next corporate golf outing, following these easy tips won't make you play like Tiger, but they also won't make you wait in the unemployment line or go door to door selling steak knives.

Dress Code: The company golf outing is an extension of the office. How you dress can tell a lot about who you are. Cargo? Sorry, but it's not 1999 and tomorrow isn't your first day of school. Plaid? Last time I checked, this wasn't a fundraiser for your frat's philanthropy. This is golf and not a 1980s MC Hammer music video. The fewer pockets and the less color, the better. These shorts may have gotten you a hand job in high school, but they won't give you references in the real world.

Brag about your Sex Life: Golf and sex are two activities tailored for middle-aged men with money, power, and insecurities. In order to fit in with senior management, you need to not only lie about your handicap, but also your sex life. Here's a sample of stories you might hear from co-workers vs. the truth.

My wife and I have had sex twice since this morning. It woke up the neighbors.
My wife and I have had sex twice since our wedding. Their names are Tommy and Kelly.

My wife and I need a new bed because we broke the last one after the Christmas party.
My wife and I sleep in separate beds.

Indecent Exposure: Taking a piss in public usually gets you a criminal record, community service, and a canceled dinner party with your neighbors who have young children. But on a golf course, sharing a bathroom in public is the first step to employee trust followed closely by alcohol, cigars, and a 25 foot putt.


Lie about golf courses you’ve played at: In corporate America, lying about golf courses you've played at is a lot like lying about girls you slept with in high school, but the risks of water hazards begin to replace the risks of STD's the more you “play.” Pebble Beach? You shot a 72. TPC at Sawgrass? That rough is deadly. Sure, you've never physically played at these courses, but with today's technology, your Sunday afternoons playing the new "Tiger Woods" demo at Best Buy is the next best thing. Just tell those 11-year-old kids behind you with the “Hannah Montana” DVD’s to wait their turn.

Make excuses about your back if playing bad: Your supervisors haven't worked their way up to middle management for nothing. They’re not quite high enough on the corporate ladder for a corner office or the ability to afford a luxury sedan. But they're also not low enough to have to take the blame for their mistakes or buy their ties from Marshall’s. Take their example for avoiding the blame in and out of the office. Excuses can be a young professional's best friend. And with your yearly review coming up along with your struggles with the Driver, there's no better time to ask about your company's health benefits than after that double bogey on twelve.